I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
