Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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