i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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