i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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