Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
