Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
