i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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