you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
