I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
