OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
