I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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