So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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