so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
