you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
