I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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