Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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