I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
