I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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