There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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