the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
