If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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