its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
This is the high leading the old right now
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
