I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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