my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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