I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Do vagina's smell?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
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I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
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Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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