I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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