I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
