I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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