I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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