decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
