either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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