the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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