He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
