i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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