what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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