I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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