I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
