I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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