where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
