I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
