I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The Olympian is in my bed
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
