Already got asked if we're dating
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
