shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
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there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
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Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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