Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
