Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
