Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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