I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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