I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
