just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
