Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i came on her dog
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
