I cannot find my penis.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
