i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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