Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
