my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You can't special order awesome
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
