You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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