I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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