You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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