so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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